Panicking
by awesomesockes
Summary: Dan's having panic attacks, Phil do his best to help him! But it's not that easy. Contains: okay detailed panic attacks, Dan ends up in hospital, alot of drama. **This is an 1.0 version of another story of mine called "Panic." (look my profile) They are almost the same. The big different is the endings!**
1. Chapter 1

**Story tiime!**

_**If you have made it this far, please, please continue! I promise it will be fun!(;**_

**The story jumps from Dan's pov. to Phil's pov. and then back to Dan. You get the point! (:**

**I do not normally talk and write in English. (I know that's not an excuse for bad english skills, but is an excuse for very easy written english. So everyone can read this! yay) Enjoy anyway!**

**Information!**

- This is an 1.0 version of another story of mine called "Panic." (look my profile) The different is that this version do not have fluff and the other does have fluff. Beside that it's almost the same. The big different is the endings.

- I know there's a lot of chapters, but they aren't over 2000 words each. I really like short chapters, because then you can read one or two if you are busy and come back later knowing where you stopped. Or say 'just one more chapter before bed!'

**Love you all!**

* * *

DAN'S POV!

"Are you okay in there Dan?"

"Yeah… yeah. Relax, it will only be a minute!"

"Hurry up! We are live in 3 minutes."

I could hear Phil walk away from the toilet door. We were at the BBC and were about to go live on radio in a few minutes.

"Calm down Dan.. You have done this so many times before! Two hours and you will be back home." Oh god, my head wouldn't stop hurting. Every time I opened my eyes and looked around, it would hurt like hell inside my skull. I took two more painkillers even though I had already taken two pills. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat. "It's all going to be fine.. Nothing bad will happen." If someone stood outside, this would be really awkward. I splashed some water in my face, took a deep breath and locked myself out of the toilet. I could see Phil wave at me though the glass walls. As a sign that I should hurry. _My head is about to explode._

"Hello! You are listing to Dan and Phil on BBC radio one! Make sure to go to b b c. co. uk/radio1 to watch us live on camera right now." Phil sounded so full of energy and so happy. I smiled a bit and waved to the camera in front of me.

"Hey guys! Remember to request a song on Facebook or Twitter and maybe we will play it later in the show." I tried to sound just as happy and energetic as Phil, but I could tell from Phil's face that it didn't work quite as good as I thought it did. I continued. "So Phil. Anything interesting happened this week? Maybe some flying cats or some giant Lions attacking cities, you would like to talk about?"

"Well, I don't know anything about that! But apparently my mom called me this week to tell me about a long lost holiday video of me falling from a tree in Italy, she found on her old computer. It has been gone for ages! It was the craziest vacation ever. My father got lost in Venice and I fell from that tree and had to go to the hospital. A lots of stuff happened! So this is what I would like to talk about this week. Crazy holidays!" Phil smiled at me, but I could see the concern in his eyes then he looked at me. But he still kept the smile on.

"Use the hash tag #crazyholidays on twitter and we will read some of your stories up later in the show. Now it is time for some music! And an incredible music video send in from Emma. Go watch it on b b c. co. uk/radio1. Enjoy!" I pulled my headphones of and looked around for some water.

"Hey Dan? Are you sure you're okay? You are shaking..." Phil laid and hand on my shoulder. I was shaking. I hadn't notice before now.

"I'm just a little tired Phil, it's nothing." I felt bad for lying, but we had to do the radio show, so what defines would it make?

"Hmm okay.." Phil didn't look very convinced.

"And that was Katy Perry with ROOOAARH." Phil said roar like if it was one of his videos. "Now it is time to read out some of your crazy holiday stories!"

My vision blurred and I had to hold onto the table. I started to hyperventilate.

_Oh god, this can't be happening._It felt like my heart was about to jump out of my chest. The walls came closer. This wasn't the first time I have had a panic attack. I have had a few before. The first time was at home when Phil was out. I was about to go in the shower when I felt claustrophobic, started to hyperventilate and got a really bad head ache. It basically came out of nowhere and that really scared me. A lot. I haven't told Phil about any of them. And this one was just the same, but a lot worse! Because we were on worldwide radio and live on camera. I needed to sit down. I bumped onto the floor a lot harder than expected. I couldn't breathe. _No, no, no, no Dan. It's not a good time. Please stop. Stop. I can't!_I could hear Phil, but I couldn't see him. I could feel his hands on my shoulders, but it was all so unreal. _Make it stop. Need to breath._ My thoughts were flying so fast. _What about the fans? What about Phil? The radio show?_ It just made me hyperventilate even more. My head hurt so much it felt like I was going to be sick. It felt like I was choking on my own breath.

PHIL'S POV!

I was just about to read up a story from one of the fans, then I saw Dan grabbing the table with one hand and his head with the other. In the same second I looked at him, he collapsed down onto the floor. _This is not good. I knew he was lying!_I took my headphones of and bent down. He was shaking really bad now.

"Put some music on, now!" I yelled to one of the producers.


	2. Chapter 2

DAN'S POV!

"Dan. Relax. Breath slowly okay. Look at me." Phil sat on his knees in front of me. I could hear he was worried, but did his best to hide it so he wouldn't freak me out more. Nothing seemed to help.

"Should we call an ambulance?" Said one of the producers.

"No, I think I got this. Hey Dan? Are you alright? Hey, calm down. Relax okay." Phil pulled up my chin from my knees so he could look me in the eyes. _This is so embarrassing._ My cheeks slowly turned red.

"The... show... Phil.." I couldn't barely get the words out. I was so dizzy. My whole world was spinning. I couldn't focus on Phil' s face. I tried to control my breathing, but it was hard! "Phil, I'm not okay. I'm really not okay. I want to go home. I want to go home. Please... I can't... I'm gonna be sick.." My head was hurting so bad. I could hear Phil talking to the producers.

They were talking about ambulances, cameras, what they should do with me, songs. And a lot of other stuff, but I couldn't hear it. It was like there were behind a wall or I was in a box and they were talking to me.

_Oh god, I'm gonna throw up. Live on camera, in front of the whole world. Great._

"Phil, I can't do this.. Please can we go home? I'm so afraid.."

"Dan listen to me. They have turned off the cameras. We are telling people, that there had happened a network fail or something. Just relax, we can go home soon."

The news about the turned off cameras was a bit of a relief, but still not good enough.

"Hello and you are listening to Dan and Phil on BBC radio one." Phil's voice was unstable and a wave of guilt and embarrassment flushed over me. "I'm sorry, but we have some serious problems with the internet connections so you can't watch us live anymore! I'm so sorry. Eh, something very unexpected had happened... And we have to go home. Everything is a bit confusing right now." He looked down on me and dragged his fingers through his black hair. "I would like to tell you more, but at the moment I can't. But don't worry! The show will continue with the awesome Chris Stark everybody! He is here to save the day. And again. We are so sorry. Here is Fall Out Boy with Light 'Em Up."

The BBC people were running around, talking in phones, yelling things through the doors, it was all happening so fast.

"I'm so sorry Phil. I don't know that is happening. I just... Can we go home?" I could feel tears were felling my eyes. _Don't you dare cry Dan!_I pinched my arm and hoped that would make me stop. It felt like the whole BBC was staring at me. I was freaking out inside.

"I will take you home now, relax. You just need to come with me. Can you stand? Hey, look at me. We can go home now." Phil hold out his hand so he could help me up. But he didn't have to say 'home' more than once. I was already on my feet and storming out of the door . _I need to get out of here, like right now._ I could hear Phil behind me and I could feel a lot of eyes following me on my way through the corridors. I walked outside then Phil crabbed my arm to stop me.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I didn't meant to scream so I was just as shocked as Phil was then he quick let go of my arm. I stepped two steps back, but Phil followed and slowly wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I could see he was so confused and worried about what just had happened inside. But he didn't question it. Phil knew me better than anyone and he knew I wasn't kidding or exaggerating. The hug was the one thing pushing me over the edge and I just started crying. We stood like this for a minute and then he let go.

"Let's go find a cap and then we will sort this out." He smiled to me, but there was nothing happy about that smile. He then crapped my arm and dragged me out to the street.

The whole cap ride home was a blur. My headache was so bad I couldn't see probably out of my eyes. I remember the cap driver asking if I was okay. I could feel Phil looking at me and asking the same question. I don't remember if I even answered or not. I remember Phil finding his keys and unlocking the door to our flat.

"Phil my head.. I have a really, really bad migraine." I leaned against the wall in our hallway.

"Do you not have some of those migraine painkillers left? I think I remember there was some in kitchen. I will get you one and then you can go to bed.."

"Phil. Bathroom.. now." I could feel my stomach turn around and I needed to find a toilet in a hurry or this would end terribly wrong.

Phil moved out of the way and I ran up the stairs and reached the toilet just in time. I grabbed both sides of the bowl and threw up into the toilet. _This is so disgusting._ My stomach turned again. I held my head over the toilet and threw up again.

"Daniel.." It was almost a whisper, but I could hear Phil was standing in the door behind me.

"Don't come in here Phil. I'm a mess.."

"I can't just leave you like this Dan, you know that." He was now behind me, gently rubbing my back. "Do you think you are finished or do you want to stay out here for a while? I can also get you the bucket and you can lay on the couch."

"I think I will stay here for a minute. I still feel quite sick."

"I will be back with the pills." Phil got up and walked to the kitchen. I leaned over the toilet and laid my head on the seat. Ready for the next round of vomiting.

PHIL'S POV!

I walked to the kitchen. The migraine wasn't new for Dan. That was why we had the strong painkillers. But I couldn't remember it have ever been that bad before. The panic attack was new. I have had a few panic attacks in my past, because one of my friends had died. I was in a bad state at that moment. So I know a panic attack then I see one.

I took the little basket in which we stored our pills and other kinds of medication, down from the shelf. Just as I took out a pill, I could hear Dan vomiting into the toilet again. I sighed, grabbed a class of water and walked back to Dan.

DAN'S POV!

I couldn't remember the last time I have ever felt so bad. My headache. The panic attack still shaking my body. The lack of oxygen to my brain because of the hyperventilation that made me dizzy.

"If you are finished you can take these." Phil handled me the glass and two pills. "The other one is a sleeping pill. It is only a half, but I thought you could need some sleep. It is not that strong."

"I think I am, thank you." I swallowed the pills and got up from the floor. I walked into the door frame because of my dizziness. Phil helped me the rest of the way to the couch.

"Do you not want to go to bed? It would be more comfortable."

"No. I don't want to be alone and it's not that late. You can watch some TV or something."

"Hmm okay. I'll get your duvet then."

I covered my face with my hands. I couldn't believe that just had happened_. It is so embarrassing. In front of the whole BBC and the internet!_ _People will definitely talk now._

Phil came back. He sat in the end of the couch, I laid down and put my head in his lap. He looked surprised at me, but I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep and feel safe. Phil made me feel safe. He gently stroked my hair and I could feel my body relaxing.

PHIL'S POV!

Dan was finally asleep. On my legs, I didn't expect that, but it was okay. If it made him feel better, it was just okay. I gazed at the ceiling for a minute and then decided to go on twitter. It was about to explode! So many tweets. 'What happened?' 'Is Dan okay? I saw him fall.' 'Why aren't you on the radio?' 'What happened to Dan?' And hundreds of others. I wasn't in the mood to answer them.

I careful chose my words in my tweet.

"'Hey guys! Dan was not feeling very well today. And it got a lot worse at the radio. I had to help him home. He's okay now. I'm so sorry!'"

That wasn't the whole truth, but no one would know. My tweet was responded with a lot of 'Feel better Dan!' 'Aww, I feel so sorry for him.' 'Take good care of him Phil!'

The BBC had called twice. I decried to text back so they wouldn't worry too much. I could hear Dan's phone ring from his pocked. I was afraid he might wake up. But the sleep medication seemed to work, so I slowly put my hand down into his pocket to picked it up. It was PJ.

"Hello this is Phil." I tried to speak as low as I could, so I wouldn't wake up Dan.

"Hey mate! I have just heard about Dan.. What happened? What about the radio show?"

"Yeah, Dan had a panic attack combined with a really bad headache. I haven't talked to him jet, because he started throwing up then we got home, so I don't know for sure what happened. His asleep now."

"Wow... Are you alright Phil?" PJ was worried.

"I'm okay.. Just a little shocked and concerned. I knew about the migraine thing, but the panic attack was a surprise."

"Try to get some rest Phil. I'm sure it will be better tomorrow. Just give me a call if you need anything."

We hang up and I turned on the TV. I laid my hand on Dan's shoulder and stroked it carefully with my thumb. The sound of Dan's breathing and the TV program made my eyelids close and I fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

PHIL'S POV!

Maybe it was 5 in the morning when I woke up. Dan was still asleep on my lap. He had turned around so I looked straight into his face.

"Hey Dan. Wake up. Wake up!" I shook his shoulders. "I need to pee. Wake up."

DAN'S POV!

I could feel something or someone shaking me. I was so tired!

"Let me sleep Phil. Go away!"

"I'm trying, but you kind of lying on me.." _Do I? Why?_

"Sorry." I didn't have the power to move so I just stayed where I was. Suddenly I could feel my head was being lifted and then laid back on the sofa pillows. The memories were slowly coming back.

When I remembered actually what happened and I sat up in a rush.

We were live on the radio. I was feeling bad. Collapsed on the floor in front of who knows how many people. Phil took me home. I felt sick. The headache. Sleeping on the couch.

_Oh god, oh god not again!_ I started hyperventilate. My heart was beating faster than I could count, it was painful. I had to many thoughts in my head. They were all flying around and into each other. Like there wasn't enough space. I was shaking. I had no control over myself_. What would everybody think of me now? The fans? My job. My life!_ I started to pinch my arm, trying to control my breathing and fighting back the panic and the tears. But I couldn't feel anything! I did it harder and harder and harder. My nails were biting into my skin, making it bleed.

" _Ph_..._Phil..._ Phil... PHIL!"

"I'm in the shower Dan! Can it wait a minute?"

".._no, no,_ no, no, no. No it can't! NO IT CAN'T PHIL! NO!" I let go of my feelings and just started screaming. I didn't knew where it came from. I was afraid of myself. I had never done something like this. I was just screaming. Like everything in my head just came out all at once.

"PHIL, IT CAN'T WAIT! IT CAN'T, IT CAN'T!" I got up from the couch. Grabbed whatever was in front of me and threw it at the wall. It went into a thousand pieces all over the floor. I grabbed another thing and did the same. It also broke into a thousand pieces. I overturned the chairs and they decreased to the floor. There was some relief about doing this. Smashing things. You had the power.

Phil came into the room only in his underpants and a t-shirt, still with wet hair. My breathing was out of control. Phil walked slowly towards me.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I didn't knew why I was shouting at him. He didn't do anything.

"Dan. I'm not touching you. Can I come in? I promise I won't touch you. I won't do anything. Let me come in, please."

I gave him a quick nod. I was paranoid. This was so unreal. _Why is this happening to me?_ I walked backwards into the corner of the living room and bumped onto the floor, wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth like a little girl who was afraid of the dark.


	4. Chapter 4

PHIL'S POV!

I stood in the door opening. Some of our things were smashed all over the floor. Dan were standing in the middle of the room. A little bit of blood was dripping down his arm. He started yelling at me. It was important that I wasn't pressing him to do anything and gave him some space. It should be in his own pace.

"Dan. I'm not touching you. Can I come in? I promise I won't touch you. I won't do anything. Let me come in, please." I tried to sound as calm as I possibly could.

I slowly walked into the room with both my hands up in the air so Dan could see where they were. I felt like a criminal who had been captured by the police. He walked into the corner and sat on the floor. I looked at him for a second and walked to him one step at a time to see his reaction. I really did my best not to freak him out more than he already was.

DAN'S POV!

Phil walked slowly towards me. I really wanted him to come close and tell me everything would be okay. But something in my head wouldn't let that happen. The argue in my mind was confusing.

"Stop! Don't move." I didn't look at him. Just stayed in my human ball.

PHIL'S POV!

I could hear he didn't mean it. He was confused. I didn't stop, I just walked a bit slower, if that even was possible. Then I was right in front of him I knelt down.

DAN'S POV!

Phil was in front of me. I could see he stretched his arm towards me.

"Don't touch me! DON'T DO IT!" _I'm sorry Phil._ "Leave me alone! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I couldn't stop. I really, really wanted to. But I couldn't! Then I did something unforgivable. I pushed Phil. Harder than expected because he fell backwards and landed on his back.

"I didn't mean to... what did I.. no, no, no.." I looked at my hands and sat back into the corner. I couldn't breathe.

PHIL'S POV!

"It's okay Daniel. It is not your fault. Nothing happened. I'm alright. Don't think about it. I know you didn't do it on purpose. It's okay.." I got up and sat on the floor in front of him. I just sat there and stared at him. After about 15 minutes of watching Dan nearly pass out because of hyperventilation with his arms wrapped tightly around himself, he started to calm down a bit. I crawled over the floor between us and wrapped my arms around him, holding him close in a hug.

DAN'S POV!

The feeling of Phil hugging me, stopped my thoughts. I laid my head on his shoulder and just started crying.

"Phil, why is this happening to me? I can't do this.. How do we make it stop? Please can we make it stop? I'm so scared." I sobbed into Phil's neck, his hair gently brushing against my wet cheek.

"Shh.. Dan, I don't think I can't make it stop. But I really want to help you, the best I can! I will promise you that. I will do anything..." He stroke my hair away from my forehead.

"I'm s.. s.. sorry." I sobbed

"You've done nothing wrong, Dan." Phil hold me as close as he could.

"I pushed you.."

"You were panicking. I understand.."

We stayed like this for maybe an hour. I couldn't stop crying silently. I needed to let go of my feelings and Phil was perfect to cry on. The tears were slowly floating down my cheeks.

"Should we get some breakfast? What do you want? We can make pancakes." Phil lifted my head up and look into my red swollen eyes.

"Yeah, I could eat some pancakes.." I sniffled and rubbed my face with my hands.

"Okay. I will go get dressed first." Phil stood up.

"Can I... Can I go with you? I don't wanna be alone.." I asked shyly, it was kind of an awkward question.

"Eh.. Of course you can." I got up and walked after him.

I sat on Phil's bed while he took a pair of trousers on.

"You should take some new clothes on too, Dan." I was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday and it was pretty disgusting.

"Come on. I will help you find something." He dragged me to my room and handled me new skinny jeans and my black t-shirt with the white ring on. I changed while Phil looked the other way.

He walked over to me and rumbled my brown curly hobbit hair with his fingers. I smiled and laughed a little to him. He gave me a big smile back. Phil took one big step backwards and looked at me from head to toe.

"Now you look like nothing had happened."

"Thank you, Phil. I really appreciate it."

"Don't think about it. Come. Let's go clean your arm and make some pancakes." He gave me a quick hug with one arm.

PHIL'S POV!

Dan sat on the countertop with closed eyes and wrinkled forehead, leaning back against the cupboards.

"Is the headache coming back?" I looked nervous at him.

"Yes.." He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Do you think normal painkillers can take it or do you need something stronger?" I opened the cupboard.

"The strong one please."

"You sure? You know the doctor suggests that you try the normal first.. "

"Yes Phil! Do you want me to be sick again?"

"Okay, okay.. Here then."

"Thank you."

We made all the pancakes and sat down on the couch to eat them.

DAN'S POV!

"Should we watch something? Maybe a movie or? What do you think?" Phil said, gave me a pancake and looked at me with his big blue eyes.

"Hmmm. I don't know. We could watch Kill Bill?" I was too tired to care and I knew Phil loved Kill Bill, so why not?

A haft an hour in the movie we had eaten all the pancakes, so I leaned back on the sofa_. I could sleep forever!_My eyelids became heavier for every second.

"It's okay if you want to sleep." I turned with a shock, Phil gazed at me.

"Wait.. What?" I was confused by being woken up.

"If you are tried I think you should sleep. It's okay."

"I'm fine." I watched about 10 more minutes of the movie and then I couldn't take it anymore and fell asleep on Phil's shoulder. The most comfortable place in the world right now.


	5. Chapter 5

PHIL'S POV!

Dan was sleeping on my shoulder and it was a little painful, his head was really heavy, so I moved it down onto my chest. Then the movie was finished, Dan started to move a bit and mumble some indistinct things. I guess he was dreaming about something. He hold onto my shirt so hard that his knuckles went white.

DAN'S POV! dream

_I ran through the town. Something was chasseing me. I had trouble breathing. Because of running or because I was scared, I don't know. I ran around the corner and straight into someone. I fell to the ground and hit my head. It hurt, but in a wired way. I looked up and saw Phil._

"_I'm so glad to see you! Help me, please. Something is after me." He helped me up. His eyes were not blue and caring anymore. They were black and evil. "Phil? What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it.." I started walking backwards, but Phil followed._

"_Nothing's wrong Daniel..." Phil's eyes started bleeding. It dripped down his face and onto his shirt._

"_You're not Phil. Where's the real Phil? Stay away from me!"_

"_Are you stupid Daniel? Of cause I'm not the real Phil 'your best friend'. Who wants to be your friend? He has left you and he won't ever come back. He can't help you now. Do you know who I really am? Do you?"_

"_You're the devil..." I was shaking really bad._

"_No, but close. Look! I'm you.." I shook my head and looked at the bleeding face in front of me. It was me. I was standing in front of myself like I was staring in a mirror. The other me was holding a knife. His face was crazy with black bleeding eyes. Black clothes full of blood. The fake me moved fast towards me with the knife and dragged it over my arm again and again and again. He held tight. I couldn't move. I wanted to get away. Phil would help me. But he was not here, he was gone. Maybe he would never come back and save me._

_I was screaming Phil's name as loud as I could. I hoped he would hear me and come back._

_Someone whispered my name. Again and again. It became louder. Phil?_

"_...Dan..."_

"_..._Dan..."

"...DAN!... WAKE UP!"

PHIL'S POV!

"Dan! Wake up! WAKE UP!" I hold both of his arms apart from eat other, because he scratched his skin with his nails so hard that red swollen marks appeared. He was yelling my name. It was really scary.

His eyes flicked open and he looked straight into mine. His breathing was gasping

"Are you okay?" I talked really soft, trying to calm him down. "Hey, nothing happened. I was only a dream."

DAN'S POV!

It took me a minute to understand what happened. Phil nearly sat on top of me holding my arms apart. I looked around, gasping for air. I was sweating. Phil let me go. I immediately threw my arms around him and he collapsed down beside me.

"Don't leave me.." I whispered into Phil's ear.

"I'm not leaving you Dan, it was only a dream."

"I know.. but just don't." I could feel tears began to blur my vision.

"I won't, I promise. Dan, I can't breathe..."

"Oh, sorry." I released Phil from my hug.

We were lying side by side on the small sofa. Our noses almost touched. My breath was still gasping.

PHIL'S POV!

I looked into two panicking, beautiful dark brown eyes. I lifted my hand up to Dan's cheek and quickly dried a tear away.

"Don't cry Dan. It was only a dream. It's okay now.." I smiled to him.

"Don't ever let me sleep again Phil!" Dan took my hand in his.

"Stop being silly. You have to sleep." I knew he was joking, so I answered with a smile on my face. "Should we not do something fun? Maybe go to Starbucks?"

"I don't think it's a good idea.. you know... I might start.. you know.. again.." Dan looked away from my face. I could see he was embarrassed.

"I will be there with you." I lifted his head to look him in the eyes. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody can have bad days."

"I don't think this is just a bad day Phil. I think it's a bad life." He looked down again.

"Don't think that way Dan! It will be better, I swear. Come, get up, Starbucks is waiting."

DAN'S POV!

I was terrified of going outside. _What if it happens again?_ I didn't want it to happen.

Phil opened the door, I nervously looked out. It was a beautiful day. Not too hot, not too cold. Just perfect.

"Phil, I don't know about this.. It's stupid."

"Don't be silly. Take my hand, I will keep you save." I stretched my arm and my hand met Phil's. He smiled a big smile to me and I reciprocated it with a little nervous one.

I looked at the ground nearly all the way to Starbucks, still holding Phil's hand. I didn't care what people might think. It helped. It was nice being outside for once. I squeezed Phil's hand a bit.

"What is it?" Phil said and looked at me with a grin on his face.

"Nothing.. It's just a beautiful day and all... Thank you."

"It is. It is a very beautiful day." He nudged to me with his shoulder. "I'm proud of you Dan."

"Don't be.." I smiled to the ground, let go of Phil's hand and walk through the door.

"What do you want Dan?" Phil asked. "The usual?"

"Of course. Can you order? I will find us a place to sit."

"Yep, I'll be back in a minute." He looked me deep in the eyes to make sure I understood that he would be back.

"Sure." I found us a place in the other end of the room. As far away from other people as possible.

Phil came back with the coffee and we drank in silence. And then a small group of girls came through the door. They were laughing and joking with each other, looking around for a place to sit. Then suddenly one of the girls pointed at me and Phil. They were whispering things.

"It's them from YouTube right?" Said one of the girls quietly.

"No you do it!" They obviously discussed who should be the first to say hello to us.

I started to sweat. _No Dan, calm down. It's only a couple of fans who wants to say hello. But what if they had watched the radio show? What if they are talking bad things about me? I can't talk to them.._My throat became dry and my heart started to beat faster and faster. _No Dan. No. Just no._My breathing began to speed up really quickly.

"Phil… I can't… do this.." He was looking at the girls who was still staring at us.

"What did you say?" Phil turned around.

"I can't do this.. can we go home… it was stupid.." He laid a hand on my knee.

"Dan. Breathe."

"I'm trying Phil.. it hurts!" _I need to get out._ I got up and headed towards the door. I quickly realized I did it all too fast. My vision started to blur and my head was spinning. I couldn't feel my fingers. My legs went weak and I fell forwards. I could feel something hit my head really hard and then it all went dark and complete silent.


	6. Chapter 6

PHIL'S POV!

I focused on the girls. I think they really wanted to talk to us. I smiled to one of them when she looked at me.

"What did you say?" Dan said something, but I didn't caught it. I turned around.

"I can't do this.. can we go home… it was stupid.." Dan's face was white. I laid a hand on his knee, my touch seemed to help a bit last time.

"Dan. Breathe." I looked nervous at him. I took deep breaths to show him what to do, still with one hand on his knee and now the other one on his shoulder. His chest raised and fall with record speed.

"I'm trying Phil.. it hurts!"

I could tell the wanted to get out, now. I was just about to pick up our stuff, but Dan was already on his feet and close to the door.

"Dan, wait!" I walked after him. He slowed down, pressed one hand to his head and then collapsed on the floor. Hitting his head against the small step in front of the door on his way down.

"Shit! Someone call 999!" I ran towards him. Where were others with the same idea. I knelt down beside Dan's head. Blood was flowing from the open wound on his forehead. He was out cold.

"Dan, wake up. Please wake up.. please." Tears blurred my vision. A woman from the Starbucks staff knelt down next to me and handled me a towel.

"The ambulance is on its way. Press this against his head to stop the bleeding. I will go get a blanket. Don't worry, the medics will be here in a minute."

"Thank you."

A lot of people were standing around us. The Starbucks lady got up and told them to back off and make room for me and Dan. People were way too curious. I slowly turned Dan around so he was lying on his back. I made my jacket into a pillow, I didn't care about the blood.

Dan was still unconscious then the medics got here. He had lost a lot of blood too. It was unreal, looking at Dan lying on the stretcher and been carried into the ambulance. I jumped in and sat beside him, holding his hand.

The medics tried to clean his forehead the best they could and wrapped bandages around to stop the bleeding. They lifted his eyelids and shone with a small flashlight into his eyes. They laid a drop in his hand and started to ask me questions.

I answered the best I could with my shaky voice, I was so concerned.

".. Phil?.."

"Dan?!" I stretched my head closer to his.

"Phil…. Where am I… what.." It was a small voice talking and nearly impossible to understand through the oxygen mask.

"You are in an ambulance Daniel. You fell and hit your head really bad.." He looked around and tried to understand the situation. The medics were taking his pulse and other test, so he was ready for the doctors at the hospital.

"..guess the crime.."

"Yes.. guess the crime." I smiled at that sentence. Dan closed his eyes.

"Don't fall asleep Mr. Howell. We believe you may have a concussion. It's important that you don't go to sleep." The woman squeezed his thigh.

DAN'S POV!

I was so confused. I had no clue of what had happened. Me and Phil went outside to go to Starbucks and now I'm in an ambulance. Everything in between was gone. The pain from my head was indescribably. I felt dizzy and sick.

I closed my eyes and breathed as slowly as I could. I swallowed, trying to keep my stomach contents down.

"Are you okay?" Phil whispered.

I shook my head. "No, I need to throw up… now." I only managed to remove the oxygen mask and turn my head then I threw up all over the floor. The medic quickly grabbed a plastic bag and held it under my head. I cough and spat into the bag, still leaning over the side.

"Can you hold this Mr. Lester? In case Mr. Howell needs to throw up again. We will be there in a minute." She gave the bag to Phil.

I felt my stomach turn around. Trying my best not to hit Phil, I threw up again. I controlled my breath and leaned back on the stretcher.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry." I gasped

"It's normal to throw up if you get hit hard in the head. It's okay. It's nothing we can't clean. Just tell us next time." The woman wrote something down on her paper.

The ambulance stopped and they opened the doors and rolled me inside. I was making sure Phil followed. I was still confused and I definitely didn't want to be alone.

My eyes just couldn't stay open any longer. But every time I closed them a nurse would force me to open them again.

They ran me through a couple of tests and then decided to run me through a brain scan. The only thing I could think of was sleep. I didn't pay attention to anything the doctors told me. I really hoped Phil did, my brain couldn't think straight. Sleep was the only thing on my mind.

"Phil, I'm scared." We were outside the scanning room.

"I know. But I'm not allowed in there with you. It's only to make sure that you have a concussion, so they can help you the best way possible. You will be out again soon."

"And you will be here then it's done, right?"

"Of course!" He gently stroke my bandages forehead.


	7. Chapter 7

PHIL'S POV!

"Phil, I'm scared." It had all happened so fast, so I understood he was scared and confused. I was too.

"I know. But I'm not allowed in there with you. It's only to make sure that you have a concussion, so they can help you the best way possible. You will be out again soon." I tried to sound like everything was normal.

"And you will be here then it's done, right?" He looked me deep in the eyes.

"Of course!" I gently stroke Dan's bandages forehead and then they drove him away.

I waited what seemed like forever. Too nervous to do anything. The nurses asked my if a wanted coffee or water or anything else. I just wanted Dan to come out.

"Philip Lester?" I quickly stood up.

"Yes. Yes that's me."

"Follow me. We are finished with Daniel so you can go see him now. He's asleep, but the last thing he asked for was you. He have a concussion and we have to keep him a couple of days for observation. A doctor will come and talk to him tomorrow if he feels better. You mentioned something about panic attacks?"

"Yes. He have had a few the last two days. I don't know when it started, but I'm sure it's a little while ago. I believe that's why he passed out. Because of the lack of oxygen to the brain because he hyperventilated and then got up to quickly." I believe she wrote everything I said down.

"He is in there. Take some coffee or something. I will be back in an hour to wake him up."

"Thank you." I smiled to her and walked inside. Dan looked so peaceful, lying there in the white hospital bed. I sat down beside him, holding his hand the best I could because of all the hoses with liquid.

I have just watched Dan's chest rise and fall for the last hour when the nurse came back to wake him up.

"Daniel. Daniel wake up." She shook him gently. "We need to wake him up every hour the next 12 hours if he sleeps that long." She smiled to me.

"Yeah, I understand." Dan opened his eyes, but quickly closed them again. "Dan?" I asked and he looked at me. "Good morning." He smiled a nearly invisible smile.

"How are you feeling Mr. Howell?"

"Bad.. And tired."

"I will give you something for the pain. You can go back to sleep now. See you in an hour."

She came back and did the same thing the next 5 hours. I leaned forwards to rest my head on Dan's bed, still holding his hand. I took my free arm around him. Before I knew it, I fell asleep.

DAN'S POV!

I slowly opened my eyes. It took them a minute to focus on my surroundings. I looked down. Phil was lying on my chest slash stomach. He looked so cute, I couldn't help myself and smiled. I poked him on the nose. When that didn't worked I poked harder. He moved his head away.

"Phil, wake up dude." I poked him one more time and he sat up in his chair.

"Oh sorry! Was I hurting you? Are you okay?"

"No, no, I'm okay." Phil stood up and called after a nurse.

"How are you feeling?"

"Hmm okay I guess.. It's like having a really bad hangover. What happened? Do you think I can get McDonalds?"

"You passed out in Starbucks and hit your head against the floor." He pointed at my head. I moved my hand up to my forehead and felt the bandages. It stings at my touch.

"Be careful Dan." Phil moved my hands away. "And no I don't think McDonalds is legal at a hospital, stupid."

"Damn.." I leaned back on the pillows. A nurse and a doctor came in.

"Everything looks okay Mr. Howell. You can go home tonight. We just need to ask you some questions. Do you want Mr. Lester to leave or can he stay."

"Of course he can stay." I looked offended at the doctor.

"Very well, I will start. Your friend Philip told me you have had a couple of panic attacks lately. We believe that was the reason you passed out. Is there something you would like to tell us?"

I told them about how I felt when I had on. About how I couldn't breathe and everything went out of control. About how sad and angry I became. How scary it was. About how they came basically out of nowhere. I was so afraid.

Phil stood in the corner and looked more concerned than ever.

"Okay, I believe we can help you with that. I will give you some anxiolytic pills. You shall take one a day in three weeks and then two a day. It doesn't work before you have taken them for about three to four weeks." He handled the bottle to Phil. "You can take that and help him remember to take the pills. It's a good idea to take it slow until the medicine works. And you can't do anything with what head for a while. A lot of rest and stay in bed."

They left and Phil sat down beside the bed.

"I'm sorry for all this. It's not fair for you." I looked down into my duvet.

"Hey, it's not your fault, you have nothing to say sorry for. Absolutely nothing. I will always be there to help you. Don't ever doubt that. I don't mind looking after you, you would have done the same for me. Feeling bad is not a crime, Dan. It's totally okay."

"But the radio show? Our fans? My videos?" I was frustrated.

"I can do the radio show by myself until you're totally recovered and ready. It's no problem. The fans will understand, don't worry about that. And you can take a break from the videos. Or you can film them with that on your head." He laughed.

"Yeah, I look ridicules don't I?" I laughed a bit too.

"I won't lie to you. Yes, yes you do!" He took his phone from his pocket and took a picture of me.


	8. Chapter 8

PHIL'S POV!

It was so early in the morning then Dan woke up so we had to stay at the hospital for at least 12 more hours.

It was boring. We couldn't really do anything. Dan would get a headache every time he looked at his phone or the TV. So he slept most of the time.

Around noon a nurse came into the room. Dan was sleeping and I was half asleep in the chair at the bedside, listening to my iPhone.

"Lunch is ready." She said and rolled in a table with some hospital food on.

DAN'S POV!

It was weird. How could I still be tired? I had nearly slept for 15 hours. I blamed the morphine they gave me. I opened my eyes slowly, until they were use to the lights.

"Dan, food. Wake up." Phil walked around the bed.

"I'm really not hungry Phil." I slurred. I was afraid I couldn't keep anything down because of nausea.

"You have to eat Dan. You haven't eaten for a really long time now! I'm sure you'll feel better afterwards."

"I will eat later, I promise. But I really feel like shit right now." Phil gave in then he saw my face.

"You really do look like shit too." He said with a small smile on his lips and gently stroke my bandages head, nearly without touching.

"Shut up!" I grinned back without moving too much.

The rest of the day was a mix between small talking with Phil, blurry thoughts, sleeping and me taking pain killers every now and when.

It was about 7pm when the hospital realised me. To Phil's pleasure, he was about to get bored to death.

"I'm really sorry for this Phil. And I'm sorry for keeping you in that hospital all day. And with me sleeping all the time.. I just left you all alone. I have really just felt like crap the whole day.. sorry." We were in the cap on your way home. I looked straight out of the window, afraid of getting car sick.

"Dan, stop apologizing, would you? We have talked about this and it's not your fault. We are best friends and of course I won't leave you in a hospital all alone. Sleeping or not." He moved a seat closer to me and squeezed me into a hug. "Do you still want McDonalds?"

"Yes!" I smiled and laid my head down on Phil's shoulder. He told the cap driver to stop at the next McDonalds. I waited in the car while Phil got the food.

It felt like a lifetime ago I last walked through our front door.

We sat down at the table to eat the food. I was really hungry now. Luckily Phil ordered a lot, he knew I would be hungry.

"What should we tell the fans, Dan? Twitter is about to burn down, but I wasn't sure you would appreciate it if I told them what happened. Some rumours are already out because of those fans in Starbucks and..." I cut Phil of with my look. "You still don't remember?"

"I remember something. We were at Starbuck and I wanted to get out, then I'm not sure I remember anything until I woke up and you were sleeping on me." I gazed down at the table.

"Yeah that's right. You were about to have panic attack, because the fans made you nervous I guess. You got up to get out, but blacked out on your way and hit your head against the floor and made that." He pointed at my head. "I wasn't fast enough to run after you. It was really scary. Blood everywhere."

"Oh god, how embarrassing!" I buried my head in my hands. "Everything else you would like to torment me with?"

"Ehh, you kind of threw up in the ambulance too. All over the floor, but the medics were nice, they cleaned it up. And also a little bit on my sleeve." He laughed.

"That's not funny!" I nudged him. This would haunt me forever.

"And now forget that. What should we tell people? PJ and Chris have called a couple of times today, but I wasn't in the mood to talk, so they are properly worried."

"Okay. We can tell the fans that I fell and hit my head really bad. And the next month or so will be quite quiet from my side. I don't wanna tell them about the panic attacks..."

"Okay that's fine. I understand."

"Thank you.." I looked up and my eyes met Phil's. He looked at me in the most caring way witch made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. He always made me feel better for some reason.

"Hey. Everything is going to be alright, Daniel." He nervously stroke my cheek. "What do you want to do now? Unless you are tired and want to go to bed?"

"Phil. I have slept all day. We could watch a movie or something?"

"Are you sure you can do that?" He gazed at me head.

"I can try. I promise I will tell you if it's too much. I promise."

"Hmm, okay then.." It wasn't with his good will.

We decided to watch The Avengers. Phil asked me every 5 minutes if I was okay. It got quite annoying after the 11th time. It ended up with me just sighing each time he asked. But at the last 15 minutes I had to admit that it became hard to focus.

"You could read for me?" I asked then the movie was done and Phil started to move around the room.

"Read?" Phil responded surprisingly.

"Yeah, Game of Thrones maybe?" I looked down. It was kind of a weird question, I know.

"Okay, if you want me to do that, of course I will." He went to pick up the book from my room and then he sat back on the couch.

Without even thinking I laid my head down in Phil's lab. Then it suddenly hit me what I had done, but it was too late to move now. And Phil didn't move away, I guess he was okay with it. He knew I needed to feel safe. My thoughts stopped then Phil opened the book.

"Now. Read." I said and folded my hands on my chest and closed my eyes. Phil cleared his throat and started reading. I couldn't stop smiling to myself.


	9. Chapter 9

PHIL'S POV!

It became harder and harder to read the words. I suddenly realised how little I have slept for the last two days. First a night on the sofa with Dan on top of me and then a night in the hospital with me on top of Dan in the most uncomfortable position. I paused my reading and closed my eyes, just to rest them for a second.

"Phil? Phil, are you alive back there?"

"Oh yeah, sorry. I zoned out for a second." I looked back down at the book. "I'm sorry Dan, but I don't think I can last much longer. I'm really tired." I rubbed my eyes with my fingers, so hard it started to hurt. I didn't want to sleep.

"The clock is almost 1, so don't be sorry Phil. Go to bed sounds like a good idea." Dan slowly swung his legs down to the floor and got up.

"Where do you want to sleep?" I asked and stood up.

"What do you mean with 'where do you want to sleep'. Shall we sleep together or what are you talking about?" Dan looked surprised.

"Well I'm not letting you sleep alone with that head. My bed or your bed? You decide."

"Phil seriously..."

"It isn't up for discussion Daniel." I raised my voice to make it clear. I wasn't in the mood for discussions.

"Fine.. Mine then." He sighed.

"Good. Go get ready, I'll be there in a sec." I went to my room to get my bed sheets.

"Do you need any pain killers before we sleep?" Dan was already in bed.

"No, I'm fine."

"Are you absolutely sure?" I raised my eyebrows at him.

"I'm sure." He snapped.

"Remember, just wake me up if you need anything."

"Yes mom."

I climbed into the bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep.

DAN'S POV!

I woke up. I couldn't have slept more than 2 hours. My head hurt so much. It was like it couldn't fit in bandages. I had never felt a pain like this. I could just cry because of it. I tried to sit up, regretting it instantly as the pain just got worse. I started feel really nausea as the room started to spin. I was so afraid.

"Phil. Wake. Up. Please." I managed to say as I was about to throw up any time. Swallowed and breathed, Swallowed and breathed as fast as I could. Trying to control my stomach. I felt really bad for waking Phil up.

"Phil.. please." _Swallow, breath._It was almost a whisper, but I couldn't speak louder. He somehow heard it anyway and turned around.

"Yeah?" He said, still with his eyes closed.

"Phil.. I'm gonna be sick.. Phil." I cried out. _I can't do this._

Phil imminently understood the situation, jumped out of bed and rushed over to my side and helped me up. The pain from my head flushed through my entire body as Phil got me to stand. My vision blurred.

Phil nearly carried me all the way to the bathroom. We were in the door opening, my stomach turned around and I ran the last two steps. I reached the toilet just in time to be violently sick. Phil supporting my head. I sat down on the cold floor, still with my head over the toilet.

"Phil. I'm afraid. I don't want to die."

"You aren't going to die Dan." Phil rubbed my back, his voice was shaking.

I took a deep breath and threw up again. I cough and spat into the bowl.

"Oh god. Phil, what is that?" I started to shake when I looked down.


	10. Chapter 10

DAN'S POV!

"Shit!" Phil got up and took the roll of toilet paper. Rolled it out as fast as he could and held it over my nose. "Lay back." He commanded and laid a hand on my back for support.

My head was pounding. The blood pressure in my brain most be over a thousand. I started to sob slash gasp for air. Witch didn't help on my headache, at all.

"Dan, breathe with me." Phil took some new toilet paper and started breathing really slow. Then I felt something wet on my forehead.

"Phil.. my head.."

"Oh my god..." Phil's face went white as a sheet. "Dan.. Look at me." It was hard to focus on his face through the tears in my eyes. "Dan. It's really important that you breathe slowly. Try."

"I.. can't.. oh god.. it hurts!" I yelled, clenched my hands hard together and threw my head back in pain. It was indescribably. I could feel some of the blood from my nose flowing down my neck. The wet spot on my forehead grew bigger. Phil unwrapped another paper roll.

"I have to call an ambulance, Dan. This is not good. Definitely not good." I had never in the four years I had known Phil, ever seen him so worried. Witch made me even more afraid. "I have to go get my phone." He took some new toilet paper, gave it to me and guided my hand up to my nose. He then pulled me over on my side and left the bathroom in a hurry.

_I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die._I squeezed my eyelids together.

Phil was back in less than a second. Just as he took over the pressure on my nose, I coughed and emptied the last of my stomach out on the floor. Without any warning.

"The pain, Phil... I can't..." Tears slowly ran down my face and mixed with the blood. "What's happening?"

"Try to breathe, I beg you. The wound on your forehead have started to bleed. Your pulse have to slow down, Dan, or else you're going to pass out. Breathe with me, please." Phil's eyes were red and desperate as he started to take deep breaths.

I did my best to follow his instructions.

Phil entered the numbers on his phone with his shaky bloody hand while the other one still tried to stop my nosebleed. I could hear he was about to cry into the phone, but I really didn't pay attention to anything he said. I just tried to control my breathing. Phil put the phone down on the floor, it was on speaker.

He grabbed a towel and tried to mobbing the floor clean from vomit and blood.

As the bandages on my head became wetter and wetter I became more and more dizzy.

"So cold.." Phil was still on the phone. They had probably told him not to hang up. He pulled down another towel from the shelf and wrapped it around me. "I'm so afraid." I sobbed. Phil turned to the sink and wetted a cloth. He bent down again and cleaned my face from the vomit and all the blood.

"I know, Dan. I'm just as afraid as you are." He slowly moved my head around so he could clean my neck too, I let out a quiet moan when a wave of pain stroke through my entire body.

"I'm so sorry!" Phil cried. I was like a doll, too weak to move or answer. It became harder to see.

I heard a silent knock on the door. I might have been a big knock, but everything seemed so far away. Phil stormed out and down the stairs. Before I knew it I was surrounded by medics.

PHIL'S POV!

It was all a mess. Dan's face was full of blood. Luckily I have got the nosebleed a bit under control now. I moved his head as slowly as I possibly could, trying to get the worst blood removed from the cheek there was against the floor and his neck. He shot his eyes together and let out a moan of pain.

"I'm so sorry!" I said and let go immediately. Then I heard hard knocks on the door and rushed down.

The medics quickly got upstairs and took over the situation. Only when it hit what just had happened. I suddenly felt weak and my legs gave under. I sat down onto the floor against the wall, wrapped my arms around my legs and started crying quietly. I was in shock and couldn't move. I let go of all the concern and worry I had hold back because I wouldn't make Dan more afraid. Now there were others to handle the situation and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't knew if Dan was awake or unconscious. His eyes were closed. My guess was unconscious. He wasn't moving at all.

They lifted him up on the stretcher. I closely followed with my eyes. It became harder to breathe. _What if he dies? What if he is dead?!_ I sobbed higher. One of the medics bent down and laid a hand on my shoulder. I froze at the touch and looked up. It was a woman.

"Heey." She said and smiled a little to me. "Everything will be okay. Come, let me help you up."

I didn't knew if she was telling the truth or she just tried to calm me down. I shook really bad so it was difficult to stand. I leaned against the wall. They lifted Dan down the stairs and I followed, grabbed the keys and locked the door.

The medics cut the bandages of off Dan's head and blood slowly began to run down his face.

A déjà vu flushed over me. Only this time I was 20 times more afraid of the consequences and what was about to happen. The thoughts began to flowed, seeing Dan lying there unconscious and all coupled up with different hoses made me thinking of a life without him.

_What would I be without him? Nothing. He was my first REAL friend! I can everything I want to be around him. When we play video games, when we stay up all night just to watch movies. When he helps me with the videos. He made me feel happy, safe, appreciated and worthy. _I started to shake really badly.

We arrived at the hospital and they rushed Dan inside. A nurse came and helped me inside and placed me in a chair. As I sat there I realised I was still in my pyjamas. I didn't wear shoes, I didn't even wear shocks.

"Are you Phil?" Another nurse asked.

"Y..ye.. yes.." I managed to say through my sobs.

"Dan is in surgery right now.." She stopped when I started crying and she laid a hand on my shoulder. "A small blood vessel has kept on bleeding inside his head. What was why the wound started bleeding again. There has been a high pressure in his brain because of the blood leak."

"Is he.. is he going.. to.. to be okay?"

"We can't tell right now. I'm sorry." She took a deep breath. "Do you not have anyone to call?"

I looked at the clock. It was 4 in the morning, everyone would be asleep by now. But the first person I got in mind was PJ. I nodded and the nurse walked away.

"I will be around that corner if you need anything. Just ask." I nodded again and dried my eyes. I found my phone witch still had blood marks on it, and called PJ.

"Yeah?" Said a tired voice.

"PJ.. it's Phil.." I started crying again.

"Hey hey. Hold on. What's wrong?"

I explained him everything and asked him to come to the hospital. He would be here as fast as he could. We hung up and I crouched into a human ball on my chair, shaking.


	11. Chapter 11

PHIL'S POV!

I felt someone gently stroke my hair. In my confusion I asked "Dan?" and quickly looked up.

"Hey mate." My eyes met the most friendly smile.

"Peej!" I jumped from my chair and into his arms.

"Uhgn, I've missed you too." He hugged me back.

"I'm so scared." I whispered into his neck.

"Everything is going to be okay." He whispered back.

"We don't know that yet!" I cried. "What if he dies?!" I started sobbing.

"Phil. I think we should go home. There's nothing we can do here right now." He pulled away and looked me in the eyes.

"But Dan..."

"...he's in the best hands we could ever ask for. We'll come back later. You need some sleep."

"But.."

"No buts. I'll drive you home. Stay here."

"Where're you going?"

"I'll just give my number to the nurses. If anything should happen, they can call and we'll be here in a minute." PJ walked down the hall.

* * *

"Can you help me clean the bathroom first?" We walked through the front door and up the stairs.

"Of course."

PJ's eyes opened wide when he entered into the bathroom. "Waow." He stopped and gazed at me.

"A lot more messy than I remembered.." I started to shake. Bloody hand marks everywhere I had touched. A puddle of vomit and blood mixed together in the middle of the room, with a towel in it. The toilet wasn't even flushed yet and there were blood marks on the seat. It looked like someone had been murdered in there. And it smelled even worse.

"It's okay, I can clean it myself Phil. It's fine. Just go to bed." PJ stammered.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. It's okay."

"I can help you.." I bent forward to pick up the towel Dan had used as a blanket.

"Phil, stop. I can tell you're not comfortable with this. Let me do it." I nodded. It probably was best to let PJ do it. I felt sick to my stomach just looking at the bathroom. "Now. Go to bed."

I wasn't glad about leaving Dan in the hospital all alone. But PJ was right. We couldn't do anything. And I needed sleep.

* * *

"Phil. Phil, wake up. Wake up." Someone shook me gently.

"Go away. It's way too early.." I murmured into my duvet. _Who's talking? I doesn't sound like Dan.. _

"Phil.. The hospital has called.." It took me a minute to understand what the unknown voice was talking about.

"What do you mea... DAN! Oh god, is he okay? Please tell me he's okay.." I jumped out of bed when I realised what it all was about. "What time is it?"

"Phil, calm down and let me explain." I nodded, sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. "Dan is okay for now. They can't be 100% sure yet. But for now, he's fine."

"What do you mean 'they can't be 100% sure yet'?" I raised my voice a bit.

"He's not out of danger. There's still a chance that..." PJ stopped and looked down.

"...that he doesn't make it?" I asked quietly and felt tears starting to fill my eyes.

"Let's better not think of that anymore! But they have called and we are allowed to visit him now."

"What time is it?" I asked again.

"Almost 10.."

"Have we left him all alone for 6 hours?! Why didn't you wake me up?" I got up and started to find some proper clothes.

"Phil. Where was nothing we could do anyway. And you really needed the sleep. We drive when you're ready."

"Ready! Let's go!" I headed towards the front door, PJ followed.

* * *

"Daniel Howell?" PJ asked a nurse. I stood nervous behind him.

"Yes. Follow me." The nurse pick up some papers and started walking down the corridors, we walked after her. "He is in here. There's no chance that he's going to wake up anytime soon, I'm sorry. Be careful with what you touch. Maybe Take some coffee." She smiled friendly to us and turned around.

If I thought the situation looked bad the last time I saw Dan lying in a hospital bed, I was very wrong. He had a drip with blood in one hand and one with saltwater in the other. He was naked from his hips and up. A lot of different things were sticked to his chest to observe his heartbeat, pulse, blood pressure and other stuff I didn't knew anything about. Hoses with oxygen were connected to his nose and mouth, helping him breathe. And he had new, clean bandages around his head. His bare chest slowly rise and fall in rhythm with the beeps from the machines.

Now it was my turn to have a panic attack. Seeing Dan like this, was simply too much to handle. I slowly backed out into the hall again. PJ looked at me and followed. My breath began to speed.

"Phil. Relax. Come back." PJ stretched his arm to take my hand.

"But look at him.." I gasped.

"Yes.. And I see someone who has it really bad and for sure are just as scared and afraid as you are. But he's breathing, and that what's important right now Phil. Just think: 'he's just sleeping, he'll wake up soon and then we'll play video games.' Look at me… Try to think that. He needs you." His forehead was wrinkled, but he still looked friendly and caring at me and I understood

I took a few really deep breaths and walked back in. Obviously Dan hadn't moved. I sat down beside the bed, and started following Dan's chest up and down. I would never stop watching until he was awake and I could hold him in my arms. _What if he's never going to wake up? Don't think like that! But what if? Oh god… _


	12. Chapter 12

DAN'S POV!

_I want to open my eyes. But I can't! Why?_ Everything was so quiet. I wanted to move, scream, cry. Just do something. But it didn't matter how hard I tried, nothing happened. Everything was just dark and silent and I gave up.

* * *

This time there was something different. A sound. But I'm not sure if it's only happening inside my head or there actually is someone talking. I wanted to open my mouth and ask what is going on. I try to move, just my finger, but I still can't. I give up, it's simply too hard.

* * *

It feels like I had more power. I try to open my eyes again. They still won't listen to my command. I'm more awake in my mind, but I'm so confused. I get scared. I begin to feel cold. _Why am I naked? Where am I? _I slowly feel my heartbeat starting to rise. An unknown beeping sound become higher and higher. _Phil?_ I slowing flicker my eyes around under my eyelids. Still without moving at all, even though I tried as hard as I possibly could.

PHIL'S POV!

Hour after hour went by without any change. PJ left after about 3 hours so I was all alone. Doctors regularly came in to check if everything was okay.

After 7 hours of watching Dan's chest just rise and fall, one of the machines started to beep faster and faster. Not even a second went by and the room was already full of doctors and nurses.

I slowly backed into the corner. I had no clue if it was a good or a bad thing. So I prepared myself to the worst.

They removed the oxygen hose from his mouth and a hose from his hand I guessed was morphine.

DAN'S POV!

I heard mumbling and felt cold hands touching me. I wanted to scream. _What are you doing to me? Stop it!_ _Phil, make them stop._. The hands moved closer to my mouth. They pulled out something I didn't even realise I had in my throat. It was the most unpleasant feeling and it made me gag.

I felt myself breathe properly. The feelings in my body slowly came back, it was so weird and unreal. Like waking from the longest dream ever or being picked up from the water after nearly drowning. And then not.. I still couldn't talk or open my eyes. _Am I dead?_

The voices became louder and louder for every minute.

I can't remember for how long I tried to open my eyes, but after what seemed like an eternity I finally got a clip of my surroundings. Witch made me even more confused. _A hospital? But I came home from the hospital.. What am I doing here?_

My eyes were only open for a second and then shot back together. After resting them for a minute I decided to try again, this time with more success.

"Good morning." I heard a friendly voice say.

PHIL's POV!

My heart stopped for a second. I let out a deep breath of relief. He actually opened his eyes, he was alive. I slowly walked closer to him.

"Oh Dan, you made me so afraid... I thought I lost you.." I started crying. I could tell Dan was more confused than ever and he dizzy looked around.

DAN'S POV!

I heard Phil's voice and it made me more awake.

".._Phil_.." My voice was so hoarse, but he heard it anyway.

"Relax, nothing bad will happen now. You're okay." He cried.

I smiled and looked him in the eyes. My vision was still a bit blurry. I suddenly wasn't so worried anymore, Phil was here.

It took me forever to wake up completely. Around 4 hours with sleeping breaks all the time.

At 9pm I felt good enough to sit and a nurse helped me up so I could get something to eat.

"Do you feel any pain? Just the slightest bit and you shall tell us." She asked.

"No, it's okay." Phil looked serious at me, he knew I was bad at admitting pain or weakness.

"Are you sure, Dan?" Phil looked from me to the nurse and then me again.

"Daniel. It's important that you tell us. You suffer from panic attacks and pain can cause one, it can be dangerous."

"Then give me some.." I sighed. Phil just shook his head. I swallowed the pills and slowly started to eat my food. "Phil.. I'm not sure what happened? Can you tell me why I'm back here. I through we went home? I remember we watched a movie... Or was it a dream?" I finally felt like I could handle long conversations.

Phil told me everything that had happened that night. And I could barely remember anything, but it was slowly coming back. I was surprised that Phil had been so brave, without him, I would have been dead. I got a lump in my throat, all that I had put him through...

* * *

"I'm sorry for being the reason that you don't get any sleep Phil." I was so tired and decided to go to sleep. After all, I had been awake for almost 4 hours in a row. Then I realised that Phil had to sleep in a chair again.

"Don't think about that, Dan. I can sleep when I get old." He gently stroke my hand. I had an idea.

"Ehh.. You can sleep up here, with me. If you want. I believe the bed is wide enough.." Phil looked at me like I was out of my mind.

"Dan, what's unrealistic.." He grinned back.

"Why? I would like to sleep with you.. I know how that sounded!" I giggled. "But anyway, please..."

Phil sighed and crawled into the bed beside me. It was hard finding a way to lay because of the hoses where were still stuck to my hands and the oxygen to my nose. But we found a comfortable position with my back against his stomach slash chest, his left arm around me so he had no other place to touch than my chest. Phil made all the worries go away and I wouldn't mind lying like this forever.

PHIL'S POV!

I heard Dan snore lightly. This wasn't a normal friendship thing. Not that I didn't mind lying like this. It was the only thing I had wanted to do for the last 20 hours. He was alive, I couldn't have dreamt of a better gift.

I hugged him a bit tighter and fell into a deep sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

DAN'S POV!

I woke to the feeling of Phil hugging me close. Surprisingly none of the nurses had told us to break apart. He was still asleep behind me.

I was a bit confused. But I guess Phil had been so worried for the last couple of days, that he needed to see and feel that I was still here. It was okay for me. I could always count on Phil. He was the one thing in my life I knew would never disappear.

Phil rubbed his head against my neck trying to wake up and making me giggle, I was very ticklish.

"Stop it." I whispered.

"What? This?" He did it again.

"Yes, that!"

"Hmm.. No!"

"Phil! I mean it... Awwh.." A strike of pain came from my head and I froze. With one quick move Phil turned around and pulled the red line for emergencies. "Phil, it's nothing, relax."

"Nothing is just nothing in this situation!"

"Phil, look. I'm fine.." I said it as calm as I could, he started to freak out. Two nurses and a doctor rushed into the room. "It's nothing."

"Where does it hurt? Do you feel nausea?" One of the nurses had already started to cut the bandages of off me.

"Here." I pointed over my right eye where the wound was. I hurt, but not that bad. I was just a quick stroke of pain. "And no.. I'm actually hungry."

"Take these." I was handled some morphine, I sighed and swallowed the pills. They checked my forehead for any blood leaks. "We have to keep you here until tomorrow." They wrapped my head up again and left.

PHIL'S POV!

There were absolutely nothing to do at a hospital so we just small talked all day, Dan couldn't really do anything anyway. It was boring, but there were nothing to do about it. I just really looked forward to get him home, so we could go back to normal again.

We discussed the radio show. It was already Thursday, so the show would be in only three days. I didn't want to do it without Dan, but I had to. We watched different videos our fans had sent in, like everything was normal. Except when Dan had to take naps because of all the painkillers he was given.

"Maybe you could sleep up here with me again? If you want.." Dan yawned. "Unless the chair was better?" He smiled.

"The bed was without a doubt better! If you are okay with it, I'll take the bed please." He moved a bit and I laid down beside him. This time it was easier because there were no hoses. I held him close.

"Thank you.." He whispered sleepy.

"For what?" I grinned. The tired Dan sounded quite cute.

"For being here..." And then snoring was the only sound left.

"Goodnight." I whispered.

* * *

When I woke up I was all alone in the bed.

"Dan?" I dried my tired eyes. "Dan?!" Panic filled me. I heard the toilet flush and I ran towards the bathroom door. "Dan is that you? Please open the door. Now." I talked faster that I intended to and knocked hard on the door.

"What do you want?" Dan opened the door.

"Are you okay?!"

"Erm, yes. Why sudden I be?" I looked around the toilet to spot any blood marks.

"You sure? You haven't thrown up or anything?"

"No, Phil. Jesus, calm down. I just needed to pee."

"But I woke up and you were gone, and, and..." Tears began to fill my eyes and I stopped talking.

"Hey, I'm okay. Look. I'm fine. Sorry I scared you.." He hugged me close.

"I can't lose you Dan.. Please, please don't leave me." I sobbed. It was only now I got the chance to let him comfort me. I had been more afraid that night than I'm ever willing to admit. But I couldn't be brave anymore. It was too much. I think Dan understood. He gently moved his hands up and down my back while I just let the tears fall slowly.

We stood close like this until a nurse came with Dan's medication.

"Ready to go home boys?" She asked happily.

"Couldn't have been more ready." Dan replied and smiled caring to me.

DAN'S POV!

"Dan is that you? Please open the door. Now." Phil was knocking hard on the bathroom door. What was so important? He sounded worried.

"What do you want?"

"Are you okay?!"

"Erm, yes. Why sudden I be?" Phil pushed be gently aside and looked around in to bathroom

"You sure? You haven't thrown up or anything?" His voice was shaking.

"No, Phil. Jesus, calm down. I just needed to pee."

"But I woke up and you were gone, and, and..." His eyes went blank and he stopped talking.

"Hey, I'm okay. Look. I'm fine. Sorry I scared you.." I pulled him into a hug. I felt terrible. It was all my fault.

"I can't lose you Dan.. Please, please don't leave me." He sobbed into my neck. I rubbed his back, trying to calm him down. Now it was my turn to take control and be the brave one.

I hold him close until a nurse came into the room.

"Ready to go home boys?" She asked happily.

"Couldn't have been more ready." I replied and smiled a little Phil.


	14. Chapter 14

DAN'S POV!

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"Phil I'm.. I'm fine."

"Should I call PJ and tell him to come over?"

"No.."

"Dan, tell me if you're not comfortable with it."

Phil was about to leave for the radio show. I really, really didn't want him to leave. I could feel my body slowly started to shake. Phil better leave in less than a second or he will notice and stay home. But the BBC needed him badly, or they would have 2 hours of nothing. But making him go was so hard.

"Just.. Hurry back." I looked away from him so he couldn't see the fear in my face.

"Dan.." Phil walked a step closer to me.

"Don't Phil. It's o.." my voice vanished and I cleared my throat. "..kay."

"Hmm... Give me a call if something should happen. Will you promise me that? And if you get a headache, will you promise you'll take a pill?

"I promise." I still looked down.

"Maybe you could listen? I would like that. I'll be back before you know it." He gave me quick hug and walked out. I was left in the hallway, all alone.

_I can't let my mind take control. Phil will be back. _I walked up the stairs, but for some reason I walked down again and placed myself in front of the door. I had no clue why. Like the paranoid side of me slowly became stronger. I let my feet carry me everywhere they wanted to.

I got up and walked back up the stairs into the kitchen.

"_And if you get a headache, will you promise you'll take a pill?" _I repeated over and over in my mind. Did I have a headache? I couldn't feel pain, but I couldn't feel no-pain either. My hand guided itself and I took the bottle of pills. Pulled one out and swallowed it.

"_And if you get a headache, will you promise you'll take a pill?" _But I just took one, didn't I?

I pulled out another one and swallowed it. And then another one, and another one, and another one. How many was that? Enough? _I don't know anymore!_ I took one more, but this time I couldn't swallow it. I dropped the bottle, and the pills were everywhere.

_Where's Phil? _

_Shut up! You know where he is!_

_Do I?_

My mind slowly took over the control and I couldn't stop it.

_Should I call him? NO!_

My breath started to speed and I let myself slide down and onto the floor.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shouted. I scared myself, I was alone.

_Why did I let Phil leave? _

I closed my eyes and leaned back. Images started to fill my head. Images of Phil. It started with Phil just smiling at me. But image after image it became darker. _Stop it!_ I pictured Phil leave and never come back.

_He'll come back, right? He said he would be back. _

_NO! Of course he won't. He's dead._

_He's not dead! Stop it. Stop it! _"STOP IT!" I opened my eyes and looked around. Why was I in Phil's room? I didn't knew what was happening anymore.

I walked back to the kitchen. _"And if you get a headache, will you promise you'll take a pill?" _

_I promise. _I bent down to take one of the pills on the floor and swallowed it. I did it again.

My heart galloped in my chest and I had trouble breathing.

_No, no, no, no, no..._

I felt tears began to fill my eyes. I couldn't be alone. I just couldn't. Phil had to come back, now. Come back and safe me.

I started screaming into my hands. As loud and long as I possibly could, making me dizzy. I rushed up, a little too fast and I had to grip the doorframe to catch myself from falling.

I searched for my phone. Phil had to come home, I was too afraid. I was too scared. Terrified. Insane. I didn't have the power anymore. The show had already started. I slowly entered Phil's number. My vision was so blurry.

"Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.." I cried into the phone. But he didn't. I called again, this time with success.

"Dan?" Said a nervous voice.

"Phil.." I just started crying violently and hyperventilate.

"Shhh.. Breathe." He tried to calm me down. I couldn't say a word. My brain was blank. I was so dizzy and felt nausea. "Dan, take some water and sit down. Relax, do what I say." I kept on crying my eyes out, and I couldn't stop. But I did as I was told. "I have to say something, hang on for a second, Dan."

Phil put his phone away and I heard him introduce a new song.

I took a sip of the water and suddenly remembered what happened.

"Phil.." I stopped crying and became more worried than ever. "Phil, the pills..."

"Do you have a headache? Have you taken one?"

"Yes... yes.. more. To many!"

"How many?" Phil asked serious.

"I don't.. I DON'T KNOW! I.. I can't remember."

"Dan. I'm coming home. Relax okay. Is it more than 5?"

"I can't remember!" I was frustrated and scared. I could die.

"How long ago? Can you throw them up?"

I ran towards the bathroom and knelt down in front of the toilet and put my phone on the floor. I took a deep breath and stuck to fingers down my throat. First It didn't work and I did it again. I made myself gag and I could feel my stomach contents move its way up and I threw up. I could see some of the pills when I looked down, it was so gross. I stuck my fingers back in my throat and made myself throw up again.

I leaned back against the bathtub, breathless.

PHIL'S POV!

I felt my Phone ring, but I was in the middle of an impotent conversation with one of my producers . Normally phones wasn't allowed in here, but the producers understood why I kept it. It rang again seconds later and I picked it up.

"Dan?" I said quite.

"Phil.." He started crying and I could here he had a hard time breathing.

"Shhh.. Breathe." I tried to calm him down a bit. "Dan, take some water and sit down. Relax, do what I say." He kept on crying, this was going to be harder than I thought. "I have to say something, hang on for a second, Dan."

I quickly introduced a music video.

"Phil.." Dan had stopped crying. "Phil, the pills..."

"Do you have a headache? Have you taken one?" I asked concerned.

"Yes... yes.. more. To many!"

"How many?" I sounded more serious

"I don't.. I DON'T KNOW! I.. I can't remember."

"Dan. I'm coming home. Relax okay. Is it more than 5?" I started to make faces to the producers. To make them understand just how critical the situation was about to be. They looked confused at me, but I just shook my head and started to walked around finding my stuff.

"I can't remember!" He yelled.

"How long ago? Can you throw them up?"

I heard rumble and footsteps. He ran to the bathroom. I heard him throw up, twice. I felt so bad, why did I go? _I should have stayed, I knew he wasn't ready to be alone._

I stormed out of the BBC studios. Left everything behind me, others could do the show. I didn't care, at all. All that matters was Dan. And he was alone and scared.

"Dan?!" I asked slash yelled into the phone. But no one answered.

DAN'S POV!

I forgot everything about the phone and Phil, I left it behind. I ran out of the bathroom into the kitchen grabbed a knife and dragged it across my skin. I let out a high moan of pain, the blood began to run down my arm

_What are you doing? Stop it! _But I couldn't stop, I did it again and again. Panic flushed over me and I dropped the knife.

I left blood marks on the floor. I walked to the living room, making a blood trail on my way. All my thoughts stopped and I screamed as loud as I could, ran towards our DVD and game collection and threw them all on the floor and into the walls.

"MAKE! IT! STOP!" _Why am I doing this?_ _This is stupid and does not help, Dan..._

I overturned the coffee table and heard some glass break. _Stop smashing everything. It doesn't make it better.. _Why couldn't I listen to that voice? _What is wrong with me? _

I ran back to the kitchen opened the cupboard and took out our cups. I threw them one after one at the wall, seeing them break into a thousand pieces. I stopped all of a sudden and bumped onto the floor. I transformed into a ball, as small as it possible could be and started crying quietly.

"DAN?! Dan, where are you?!" The front door was violently being pulled open and I heard heavy footsteps run up the stairs. I couldn't say anything.

Phil nearly fell through the door to the kitchen and down beside me. He looked at me for a second and slowly placed his hand on my arm. I didn't move. He came closer and pulled me into a hug.

"This.. this is all my fault. I shouldn't have left. I'm so, so sorry Dan. I really am." I could hear his voice was creaking. I still couldn't talk, I tried, but my mind didn't have words. I stared sobbing into his chest. I slowly regain control over myself. "Dan, your arm.." Phil questioned and lifted up my one arm with all the cuts.

"I.. I don't know what happened." I slurred. Phil held me a bit closer.

"We can fix this, Dan. I will do anything. You don't need to feel this way, you understand? It's not fair. We can make it better, I promise."

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Don't be. It's only things. I was so afraid something had happened to you. You can smash everything you want, but don't damage yourself. It's not your fault."

"Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. Thank you for saving me.."

"From who?" He whispered into my hair.

"From myself."

* * *

**The end!**

**Thank you for reading! It means a lot. **

This is an 1.0 version of another story of mine called "Panicking." (look my profile) The different is that this version do not have fluff and the other does have fluff. Beside that it's almost the same. The big different is the endings.

Based on a slightly true story happen to myself. Just that I'm not a guy or have Starbucks in my country. And I wasn't as close to die. Many of the details are pure fanfiction, but it's otherwise, it happened.


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